Tuesday, July 11, 2006
I juz don't know what to think of my results or how im supposed2react to it...I really wish i can assure myself that it was ok but maybe im juz too selfish and insecure...After hours and hours studying in my room/tutorial room,after all the hard work,after all the effort...months of preparation...i feel empty,hollow,depressed as if ive never done a thing...is it me,my fault?what have i done?the most painful thing is to hear someone i love lose faith in me and totally give up on me...send me back to malaysia to study in a local uni,maybe dat wil promise me a better future???i juz can't face the fact aft all the ups and downs and pressure ive2face to get here,now ive lost hope...in myself,in everything i do...i wish i have a glimmer of hope and some motivation to make myself stronger but i juz dont know where to look at or what2strive for anymore...but i havent given up juz yet...der are so many yrs ahead of me...maybe this will be the worst ive ever gotten because i panicked and forgotten whatever ive studied but it doesnt mean im dumb with not a knowledge in my brain...ive done so much2get where i am,i cant throw this opportunity away juz because of my foolishness...it was a mistake...havent ive made any since i was born...im only human...i juz expect2much of myself thinking i would fully succeed if i put my expectations on the pedestal but it only shows nothing but greed...ive gone thru alot in the past...been compared to and even looked down by others...the problem is have they been in my shoes before?has anyone made their first impression and prejudged u as if u're some useless prick?has anyone gone thru emotional times when his/her cousin committed suicide or uncle died from various illnesses when u werent der to witness it all or pay ur condolences or attend the funeral eventho they were your own flesh and blood?has anyone felt they were responsible for the safety of their family when u werent even der to protect dem because u're too far away to do anything and ur father is in another country working very hard2send u to the best uni in australia,paying for ur education?sometimes i feel helpless,sometimes i know no one can help me but myself,no one understands anything eventho they assume dat dey do...everyday ive to pick myself up and repeatedly do dat when i fall...im happy ive my family2support me thru everything but sometimes im juz2emotional,2sensitive,2naive...i know its only life...and in life,this is juz the beginning...im considered lucky to be where i am today...but i wish i could help others who reali need help...those who deserve better than what they have...i have done all i can to help my frenz who need a shoulder to cry,a listening ear to rely on,a helping hand to hold on...but sometimes i need help myself and it is only me who can do whatever i can...throughout my life,ive hardly faced failures...u can compare me with whoever u want to...say anything you want to but i wont be the one crying when i graduate with a degree...im not a bookworm,i dont have a dull and boring life...my social life is great...i have frenz to train athletics with,to perform with,to study with,to hang out with...for now,ive done my part so it is up2u to accept it...
